Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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