No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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