Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize