I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
false alarm, still single
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