I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
