I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
