dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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