oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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