I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
