"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
