that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
