I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize