im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
