dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When did angry sex become our thing?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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