just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
