it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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