highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize