If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
