She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
