Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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