I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
