I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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