that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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