Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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