So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
