You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
