do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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