Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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