my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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