I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
