I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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