the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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