drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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