I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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