Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
