Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This girl is more easily done than said...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
