Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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