Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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