Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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