Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
