i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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