3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
