i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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