you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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