my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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