That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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