the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize