No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
