so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
