The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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