My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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