I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
