someone threw a dead crab at me
If that was your dad, he is hot
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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