And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
