I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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