If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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